MinaWolf10

 While I doubt it’s of much concern to anyone, I figured I’d put up an explanation for anyone who I have been in contact with for rps or other such responsibilities. I’ve very recently experienced a steep drop in mental health, which is what caused me to disappear. I couldn’t bring myself to get back on the horse this time, and I’ve been super discouraged and on empty. The good news is I’ve been seeing a psychologist for references for help, and have actually been approved for services and job coaching, which is super important. Still, I’ve been sort of going through the motions at this point, and I’ve greatly minimized my activity to a small group of close friends for anything regarding communication. Despite this update, I can’t say when I’ll be back. The world of RPing that I’ve been around has been extremely tense and dramatic and stressful, and I’ve actually been forced back into some traumatic memories I’d have rather not felt again. So yeah, I just figured I’d give an update for anyone who may have been worried by my previous posts. Still feeling some paranoia so I may not interact with anyone besides some people I think I can trust, so apologies to those who I may have agreed to rp with and never got started on it. I really miss my characters, but I volunteer to rp as a way of having fun, and it’s been anything but fun for me recently. I just am not equipped with the social experience and fortitude for the kind of politics that go on sometimes in the rp world, and I need a break to kind of work with that. By the way, if anyone wants to get in contact with me I don’t mind you messaging me on discord, but I’ll be pretty inactive anywhere else for a while. Sorry for the trouble.

I wish I wasn’t so slow in everything I do.
I wish I created art as fast as everyone else, as fast as the ideas come to my head.
I wish I could change the fact that the only thing I’m really good at is making mistakes in every aspect of life. 
I wish I didn’t have these problems.
I wish I didn’t have this past. 
I wish I didn’t have these constant and unrelenting thoughts and fears.
I wish I could smile and talk and be good at talking to people and making everyone happy. 
I wish I knew what to say when they weren’t. 
I wish I wasn’t a practical invalid.
I wish I could be what people think I could be. 
I wish they didn’t think of me at all so that I wouldn’t have to disappoint them. 
I wish I could be something more than just a placeholder and a good concept.
I wish I could make people I cared about’s lives better instead of just talking and making jokes.
I wish I had found these problems in me sooner.
I wish I had started overcoming my issues sooner.
I wish I could change what I know is holding me back, despite knowing that it’s all problems that are too late to fix. 
I wish I didn’t fall apart whenever something bad happens or whenever someone is upset with me.
I wish I wasn't crying in my room right now.
I wish I hadn't snapped at my dog and then fell to the floor and blubbered apologies like a toddler.
I wish I could care for my rabbit as much as she deserves.
I wish I could erase myself.
I wish I wasn't me.
But wishful thinking is just wishful thinking, of course.
We never get what we wish for.

me: i want to do some art

brain: then do some art

me: 

Here comes the explanation for my absence that no one asked for lol

So I pretty much haven't even touched DA since towards the end of last year, and all of my other activity related to DA (RPs and the like) fell into radio silence too. I had no energy to explain why I was dropping off the face of the earth at the time, and I've only recently mustered the strength to kick my ass back into doing the things I love to do. The last three months of every year are always, without fail, horrible for me. My family has some inner turmoil that always gets dredged up around the holidays (even wordlessly), and my whole family is always miserably busy during the holidays too. The holidays basically take all stress in the house and set it to an infinity multiplier. Last year, I think many years of un-dealt with stress came to head for my parents, and my mom sort of snapped. She has always been someone I would describe as bipolar (like, legitimately) and that year all the stress from so many sides really made her lose it for a while. I was sort of stuck being the family therapist and mediator bc I'm an idiotic optimist and I wanted the holidays to feel good. Long story short it all reached its worst one Sunday afternoon towards Christmas, and my mom ended up throwing and breaking stuff around the kitchen in the middle of doing the dishes (there was a huge screaming fight beforehand of which I was stuck in the middle of). Idk. I guess that shook me for some reason, bc I have never felt more like I needed to be institutionalized then I did for the next month or so. It was bad. Asking for help wasn't an option at the time either, bc pretty much everyone around me needed help too, so it would have been like drowning and then grabbing onto another drowning person. Even a small getaway right after the end of the year didn't help. Normally I'm able to heal and bounce back eventually, but I'm still not back to where I was. It's the same feeling where you spent years working on something, like a magnum opus, and then some sort of natural disaster utterly destroyed it. I was in a great place before then, but now I've been shoved back nearly to square one. But I'm sick of feeling that way, and the only way to stop that feeling is to stop ruminating in the shards of disaster. So I want to come back. My activity will still be spotty, and I'm going to clean up my watchlist and notifications bc I can't deal with the amount I get daily. My art is super unpracticed now and my mental illness bought the premium membership of art block, but I'm gonna do my best. Just wanted to get this out there, and quell a little of my anxiety. Thanks guys <3

• finish Ayala's RP tracker u procrastinating piece of shit
• make som art??
• learn Japanese